No more was

It has been a month huh?  I keep thinking about blogging but it just never comes to fruition.  I haven’t really been doing much that is blog-worthy anyway.  I was able to see my brother tonight who now lives too far away, and he reminded me about Buddhism.  I have a couple of books on the subject and started reading them both long ago but somehow had forgotten about them.  I opened one tonight and found something I needed, a chapter on finding happiness.  What I got out of it is that searching for happiness anywhere outside of myself is a no-win because if I do find it, it will be fleeting.  It has to come from within me.  But at the same time, if I am envisioning myself being a certain way to make myself happy I will probably never be satisfied either.  I base a lot of what I feel like I need on what has happened in my past, which is silly because, 1) it is over and done and can’t be changed and, 2) I have probably manipulated my version of it anyway.

I guess the biggest thing I took from the small piece of what I read is that I can’t use the past in determining how I want to ‘be’.  So I took all of my private journal notes and moved them over to the trash.  They weren’t doing me any good anyway.  Just a constant back and forth of how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ I was being.  This is mostly regarding food, drink, and weight.  Maybe I will never be the way I think I want to be.  Maybe I can just accept myself though as me, how I am right now.  Or even just see myself instead of trying to put a label on anything I do or am.  I like to think that deleting the journal was me letting go.  And I’m not attaching any ‘we’ll see how it works out’ type of things either.  Just going to try and be aware of me, whatever me there is here in the space that I occupy, and see if I can’t do something different for a change.  I will settle for just being able not to constantly judge myself 😉

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1 Comment

  1. Sounds very true. The past is over, and you definitely can’t count on any one or any thing to “make” you happy. All you can do is choose your attitude.

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