Ugh

I was reading this post today after a bad day of eating and drinking.  I'm pretty depressed right now, thinking I haven't really gotten anywhere since then.  I'm probably 10 pounds heavier than I was then.  I have had had so many 'start days', when I would start a new plan or diet.  Intuitive Eating didn't last too long.  Well it did, but I wasn't getting anywhere or losing any weight so I guess I quit.  I tried ultra low-carb for the last two weeks.  I really only succeeded with one week and then this past week was a bomb.  I guess it is time to face facts. 

I like to drink beer, too much.  I like the buzz, but it makes me bloated and I don't make good choices as far as what to eat.  If I drink too much one day, I'm craving carbs and sugar the next.  So I could go a week and do really well with eating and exercise, but then on the weekend drink too much and as a result the whole weekend is a bomb.  Who wants to exercise with a hangover?!  So yeah, no brainer.  That needs to stop.  

I can't do a 'diet'.  When I lost weight the first time, I did it by counting calories/tracking what I ate, and exercise.  And I didn't drink.  I just did what I needed to do.  I ate what I wanted but changed the things I ate, the way I cooked, and how much I ate.  But I think that I forget that it didn't start out perfectly.  I remember tracking Wendy's chicken sandwiches on my list.  And I didn't start out running half marathons.  I began with Denise Austin exercise videos.  By the way, she is nuts!  I couldn't do the video like she did, for sure.  But I did it.  I put M to bed and then worked out, probably only a few times a week.  I don't think I was obsessing about anything, just trying to change.  Now it seems like I am consumed by the fact that I am overweight.  It shouldn't define me, but I feel like I let it do just that.  

I'm having a really hard time getting to a place where I feel okay.  The weekend binges are part of a pattern that somehow has a payoff, though I'm not sure what that is.  I'm still overweight.  I feel like crap afterward.  It's like running with one foot nailed to the floor.  I feel like I will never get anywhere.  I don't know what to do, besides recover from my excess and then pull myself up and try again tomorrow.  I think I need to look at my life as something I do every day, right now, not as sometime in the future, after I lose the weight.  That sounds ridiculous right?  I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm crazy, but maybe it is the things I do that are crazy.  Not me.  I just have to change the things I do.  

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Heather

     /  November 14, 2010

    You are fantastic. Don’t give up on having the life that you want!

    Reply
  2. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. But yes, you’re right – you do need to concentrate on your life now, not what it might be like in the future. And it is a lifestyle change, not something temporary.

    Reply

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