So, I have been reading old posts on my blog, and it really saddens me to see how much I used to care about stuff other than weight, and now I just don’t. Maybe this isn’t apparent since I pretty much quit blogging in the last couple of years. But I have become almost completely obsessed with my weight. It takes over in a lot of aspects of my life!
I used to love knitting and spinning and all things fiber related. Even though I would knit sweaters in the hopes of wearing them someday in a smaller size than I was. That all seems kind of, well, really depressing to me now. I had my baby in February 2004. It is freaking 2013, almost 2014 now!! How long am I going to let this obsession with my weight last?! I really need to get over it. I need to heal. It has morphed into this really unhealthy thing, where if I am not doing awesomely, I am doing extremely poorly. My life should not depend on what my weight is. I just can’t do this anymore!
I am making a commitment right now to just not give a shit anymore. Not in an I don’t care about my health way, but in an I won’t shame myself way anymore. My weight is not the most interesting thing about me. I am pretty damn shallow if I base what I think about myself on my weight! I can’t believe I have let myself get to this point, where I care/obsess about my weight and size so much. I am normally a kind of ‘fuck you’ person, or, I don’t really care what people think about me. I must have been paying too much attention to the media to get to this point where I care so much.
Am I a good person? Am I doing the things that will really help me in life? Am I giving all I can to the people I care about most in my life? These are the things I should be worrying about. Not if I am going to be able to buy smaller pants soon. There are really more important things to worry about than the size of my thighs. And honestly? I think once I stop obsessing about my size, I will probably finally be able to come to peace with it, and actually make some progress.
I am not healthy right now. I am drinking too much because I am disappointed with myself. I can quit, and I will feel so much better. I can just exercise without deadlines, like I know I will need to for the rest of my life, and it will probably be more enjoyable just to be doing it for fitness, rather than a specific number of calories burned.
I feel like an ass having to admit all of this. That I was completely wrong, for so long. That I have just been torturing myself for the last 7 or 8 years. And for what?! I really don’t know. But in reading through my past entries, I know something isn’t right these days, and it hasn’t been right for a really long time. I was fit-ish when I started blogging, and in reading old entries I can just see myself getting so much more unhappy, and weighing more and being more unfit. And I think most of it was due to myself putting a stigma on gaining any weight. Weight gain happens. Life happens. If you aren’t consistent with some kind of regimen, well, things are going to happen! That’s what happened with me. I never found something that I wanted to stick with for life. I always wanted to be on the extreme end of things. I am realizing now that there are normal people that make small choices every day and don’t kill themselves in the gym and have long and healthy, happy lives still. Extreme doesn’t win.
I am making it my goal now to just not give a fuck. Not like I am going to do whatever and not care, but I am going to try and be happy and healthy and not give a fuck as to what my size or weight is. I think I am ready to just give up the scale and all of the negatives that it holds for me.
Am I happy? Do I feel good? Am I living my life in a healthy manner? Those are the things that matter. Everything else is just buying into the noise that the media wants me to hear. I am tired of this up and down roller coaster that I have been on for the last 8+ years. I just want to live, to enjoy what I do every day, and to be healthy.
So I’m not sure what that means for this blog! I hope that I will learn to take interest once again in things that are not weight related. I hope that I will become enamored with knitting and spinning once again!! I am good at it. Why I gave it up, I do not know. I would like to find some purpose in my life again, be it knitting or whatever. I do know that obsessing about weight and plans isn’t healthy or fulfilling in any way.
I guess what I will try to do now is NOT calorie count. I know the count of most things, and I know what are good choices and what are not. I am going to try and get in touch with my body and mind. I am going to try and go the intuitive route, eating when I feel like I need to, and eating what I know works for me in regards to working out. I am going to work out still, 3 days weights and 3 days running or other cardio. I am just going to try and listen to my body and do right by myself. I do care about what I look like, but at the same time I don’t. If I can learn to listen to ME and not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, then that will be fantastic. That will be the ultimate goal for me!!! So I guess no more counting. No more monitoring. If I come across something that is amazing or interesting to eat, I will blog it. Otherwise, my sustenance isn’t going to be my major blog content.
I’m not sure if anyone is reading, but if anyone is, I hope that I can find more interesting things to blog about than my meals and workouts. I am going to start knitting more, which is what this blog started out as, and I hope to just be more crafty in general with food and knitting and everything else. I miss the old ME!!!! I want her back. And I am going to get her back. Not sure what else to say about it all, but I’m looking forward to a brand new day, even if I shared my new knitting with y’all already today ;)
Here’s to the new me I guess?!
I’m starting now. Not waiting until New Year’s. There isn’t any reason to wait! I can do the best I can every day, no matter what special holiday it is. So tomorrow, I’m not going to weigh in on myself in any way. I’m just going to try to do good for myself. And be happy :)